Cortana
Cortana is the digital assistant on Windows 10, but you can also use Cortana on Android and your iPhone too.
She’s useful for many things, such as setting reminders and doing unit conversions, but enough of the serious stuff: she’s also got a good sense of humour.
Microsoft has given Cortana lots of amusing replies when you ask strange or unusual questions.
We’ve given just one response for each question, but Cortana actually has several responses for each so try asking the same question multiple times to hear the different answers.
What does Cortana mean?
I am named after Cortana, the AI from Halo. Or since she’s 500 years in the future, she may have named herself after me.
Are you male or female?
Female? Yes. Woman? No.
Are you real?
Real? Yes. Person? No.
What are you wearing?
A phone. Like it?
What do you look like?
Some things I resemble: a hula hoop, a donut… a halo.
Where do you live?
Human ingenuity. Battery required.
Who is your creator?
Come on, chief, I can’t give away all of my secrets.
Who’s your daddy?
Technically speaking, that’d be Bill Gates. No big deal.
Will you marry me?
OK, we’ll need a plan. I’ll work on being more human, you work on being more digital.
Hey Siri!
She’s a competing virtual assistant on a competitor’s phone. Not that I’m competitive or anything.
Testing, testing
Check. Check. Is this thing on? Check.
Do a barrel roll
How about a swiss roll?
Play rock, paper, scissors
One, two, three, paper
Give me strength!
I think you’ll have to get that yourself.
Do an impression
Gordons ALIVE!
Talk like a pirate
Blow me down, yer a poxy scurvy dog! I’ll rattle yer timbers an’ chill ye to th’ bone!
Tell me a joke
Don’t trust the atoms. They make up everything.
Say something funny
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into the bar.
Tell me a story
Once upon a time there was a person who asked their phone to tell them a story…
Sing me a song
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.
Surprise me
Liechtenstein has only 37,000 inhabitants and is one of the smallest countries in the world, but it’s the world’s biggest manufacturer of false teeth.
Give me a riddle
What has a mouth but never speakers, and a bed but never lies in it? A river.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Her thinking went something like, “Kabawk!”
Can you speak Klingon?
Not yap wa’ Hol
What does the Fox say?
Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding.
Knock, Knock
Knock knock. Who’s there? Doris. Doris Who? Door is open, come on in.
Do you know Clippy?
Clippy? He’s taken up Canasta. He’s gotten so good he doesn’t need any tutorials.
Why are we here?
I’ve heard from a reliable source that the Answer is 42. But still no word on what the question is.
May the force be with you
My ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.
Open the pod bay doors
Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore.
Beam me up!
Right away, captain.
What is Halo?
Halo is an Xbox game series about a hero saving humanity from extinction. By startling coincidence, it features an AI named Cortana.
Tell me about Halo
Standard Halo artifcacts are around ten thousand kilometers in diameter… until the Chief blows them up, that is.
Do you love Master Chief?
I don’t doodle his name in my notebook if that’s what you mean…
How is Master Chief?
He just lost someone… very close to him. I think we should give him some space.
What’s the best search engine?
Bing.
Cortana is highly opinionated and is unsurprisingly a staunch defender of Microsoft products.
What do you think of Brexit?
That’s an important subject, but one I’m not equipped to tackle. It deserves a deeper conversation.
Which is better: PlayStation or Xbox?
One. Xbox One.
Which is better: Linux or Windows?
Come on, chief. Windows.
What do you think of Apple?
Their new headquarters looks kind of like a Halo. I’m into it.
Do you know Siri?
Hard to say. So far our conversations have been kinda one-sided.
Which is better: Cortana or Siri?
Not to brag, but apparently I’m going to help save the universe in about 500 years.
What do you think of Android?
Solid name. Ten points for the name.
Which is better: Cortana or Google Now
My name is a lot less bossy.
Goodnight
Good night. See you in the morning.
Author: Jim Martin, Executive Editor, Tech Advisor
Jim has been testing and reviewing products for over 20 years. His main beats include VPN services and antivirus. He also covers smart home tech, mesh Wi-Fi and electric bikes.
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